The Sexy Time Lows..

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The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mnelson80 on Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:16 pm

Ok, I said I'd start a new thread in case someone felt iffy about talking abou this. (Even though I know most of us don't care!)

So here's the deal. Everytime I'm on some kind of BC it sends my drive into NOwhere land. Sure sometimes is ok but I'm kind of picky about it.

Anyway.. here's my issue. You all know I was considering leaving my SO. Well we've had some great heart to hearts and actually started listening to one another. He's been coming home EVERY day after work, helping with dinner and and our DD. We've agreed on some parenting things that were not working out and things have gotten way better.. I'm not counting the eggs yet though because it's only been a month or so. So those things take care of most of the complaints I had. Well his compalint is my lack of affection. Sure I had been pretty fridgid.. who wouldn't be to someone to routinely verbally abuses them and isn't around?? So I tried to step it up. It went alright for a little while but it's still just too much for me. He wants it almost everyday and I could just really do without. Then he complains that he's done all this changing and I'm not holding up my end of the bargin.. plus he complains if I "tired" all the time. Now, I feel his pain on this one. He's done a 180 and I haven't. But I don't feel like I should have to fake it or talk myself into doing something I really don't feel like doing. Occasionally sure.. but not everynight, or everyother night for that matter. When you get up at 7 and go to bed at 11:30.. I'm just tired.. and when you try to get some when I'm stummbling back into the room after the 3:30am feeding, I'm just really not into it.

How can I get some of my lovey dovey feelings back.. not just dtd, but cuddly stuff in general? I think part of my problem is that since I'm chosing to not go back to smoking.. his icky smoke breath REALLY turns me off. But I know I'm not the sexiest thing on the block so I don't really want to go around pointing out faults. Err.. I hate feeling like I'm constantly appologizing for not dtd, when I'm really not sorry. Somethings gotta give or this time he'll be leaving me!

Enough ranting for now.. I'm sure I'll be back.. LOL

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:27 pm

Wow kinda sounds like my issues DH wants it constantly and also complains of my lack of affection too. And has also used the well I am changing but you are not thing on me... So I don't have a suggestion or solution as I am in the same boat mostly except some things are different such as he doesnt smoke and we were not almost to divorcing..
I mean we can just get done dtd and if it happened in the morning or afternoon he is constantly there after mauling me and touching and it gets irritating to me because its like we just did it and still no break for me. I have gotten upset a few times and told him that it gets on my nerves. He says it doesn't have to be everyday just every other day.. but I remember when it was every other day he complained that it wasnt everyday.. so no luck there. He says that as his wife sex should not be that much of a problem for me to do daily as its not like it goes on and on for hours but the point is not that the point is what if you are truly not in the mood...but he doesn't understand...because him being a guy they are most always in the mood and ready to go... ugh I totally understand how you feel though michelle

I mean it seems unfair to not dtd when they are in the mood but also unfair to be guilted into dtd when you are not in the mood I mean its a lose lose situation.

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:31 pm

I see you are back already... lol

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mnelson80 on Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:04 pm

Exactly! One thing we noticed when I did decide to actually try.. what that I wasn't enjoying it. I just wanted to get it over with, so he would do his thing and I would almost NEVER get off. So once there was some more time spent on me.. it was a little better. But I also don't want this big long drawn out thing all the time. He complains if I'm not into it, but I think duh, if you can tell I'm not into it than why to do you keep trying. It's just dumb.

I wish blow up dolls were a better alternative...LOL

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:56 pm

Ok heres the thing...our hormones arent on a switch to turned on and off...Just because the men have helped out with other things does NOT mean that they have in anyway tried to romance us. They figure because they did a little cleaning and maybe fed the baby a few times that it's all good. But they haven't tried to do anything with us or for us. I told DH that if he wants sex he has to help get me in the mood not just come up from behind me and grind on me saying "Hey baby, how YOU doin?" in his "Joye from friends" voice.He really thinks that works...Now I'm not necessarily saying we need candles and wine and romantic music, but lets face it, we are moms and mentally we are always occupied with something to do with the bills, or the kids, or the house...So it takes alot for us to unwind. If they maybe offered to put the kids to bed so we could take a nice hot bath or something we may be more relaxed and more receptive...

Michelle-I too hate BC.I've had a much tougher time getting in the mood ever since I've had the Mirena in.

Joy-LOL I think your hubby has too much testosterone.If he needs it that much tell him to go use his hand, geesh! I mean you are taking care of 3 small kids and he doesn't give you a whole lot of help.Maybe if he helped you more you'd want it more, but every other day?I think he definetely needs a job to keep him busy and out of your hair.LOL You poor thing!!
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:32 am

mnelson80 wrote:Exactly! One thing we noticed when I did decide to actually try.. what that I wasn't enjoying it. I just wanted to get it over with, so he would do his thing and I would almost NEVER get off. So once there was some more time spent on me.. it was a little better. But I also don't want this big long drawn out thing all the time. He complains if I'm not into it, but I think duh, if you can tell I'm not into it than why to do you keep trying. It's just dumb.

I wish blow up dolls were a better alternative...LOL

Wow we tried this too. to where he tries to spend more time to stimulate me before he even dares to get off but I found that although it felt good I got bored and irritated too sometimes just because I was tired and frustrated and wanted to hurry things along.. My dh complains about my lack of arousal but I told him a woman can only become aroused if she wants to dtd she doesnt get all hot n bothered just by the site of a naked male nor by a touch on her body if she is not in the mood shes not and no amount of touchy feely is gonna make her get in the mood if anything it will make her upset and resentful of sex if forced into it.Man just think because they can look and become ready that a woman should be that way to and thats totally not it at all. A woman has to want it to be in the mood.. Men just don't understand it though. I am glad I can vent here about it though because it ticks me off sometimes when he persists and won't stop till he gets it...

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:44 am

Shannon I totally agree..........lol I had to laugh when I read that... I think if maybe he was away for a little while during the day it may give me a break from him long enough to entertain a thought of dtd but he is constantly here and constantly mauling me...Oh sexy you re so hot I like your booty and on and on and on and touching and feeling all day while I am trying to do stuff like dishes dinner cleaning etc. He definitely comes from a hormone raging family line I tell you... I have told him to use his hand but he tells me that thats nasty and thats why God made women...now granted he does not get it every day like he wishes or even every other day...and he gets mad about that because he says its unfair to only have sex when I want it which isnt a whole lot and I have responded back that I think its unfair to be pressured in to dtd even though you are totally not wanting it also.....the many times I have just allowed him to get off just so I did not have to argue with him about it I think that may be a slice of my dilemma maybe I have built up some sort of resentment to sex because of that...
Lately he has been trying to help a bit more here and there but I have noticed sometimes that it seems like he does stuff just so he can have something to say that he did it and why am I not responding sexually to that.. I told him it doesnt mean a thing to me if he is only helping so that way he can throw it up at me later and use it against me....

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by redheadmommy on Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:10 am

Man oh man. I guess I'm NOT alone in this. Ever since I've had tyler, which is almost a year ago, it take me alot to get in the mood to Dtd. I've been getting better lately, but ughh. I like most of you take care of my son, the bills, the housework etc.. I start at 5:30 in the morning, do to work for 7:30 get home around 4pm. Then it's get supper going, houseclean etc.. hubby get's home with Tyler. I get supper for him, feed my son then myself then it's bathtime, playtime then bedtime for tyler. By then it's about 8:30pm. Then I have to clean the bottles and get em ready for the next day. Get our lunches prepared for work for the next day. I finally sit down around 9 or 9:30pm to watch some TV and relax then it's off to bed at 10 or 10:30. Well by then, I'm exhausted. I don't feel like doing anything but sleep. He get's all pissed off about it. Well like I tell him, maybe if you help out a bit, then we could get to be earlier and dtd. But like mythreesons said, if my DH does some housecleaning it's like he expects a "prize" for it, so sex is on his mind, but he just cares about getting himself off, not me. Men are instant on, women take a little more work, but darn it, aren't we worth the extra time it takes! And of course if the baby starts to cry while we're in the middle of Dtd, then, I get all distracted. Luckily we've had some real heart to heart about this and he doesn't complain too much anymore. I do feel bad though. I don't want him going anywhere else for it. It really is tough juggling being a mom and a wife!
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:07 pm

[quote]and he gets mad about that because he says its unfair to only have sex when I want it which isnt a whole lot and I have responded back that I think its unfair to be pressured in to dtd even though you are totally not wanting it also.....the many times I have just allowed him to get off just so I did not have to argue with him about it I think that may be a slice of my dilemma maybe I have built up some sort of resentment to sex because of that...
Lately he has been trying to help a bit more here and there but I have noticed sometimes that it seems like he does stuff just so he can have something to say that he did it and why am I not responding sexually to that.. I told him it doesnt mean a thing to me if he is only helping so that way he can throw it up at me later and use it against me....[/qutoe]
Oh My GOSH! This is so totally part of the issue. I couldn't have worded it any better.

Well, the S*#t hit the fan last night. I knew it would.. that's kind of why I started this thread. (He's so predictable) He went out drinking for a while.. which is a whole other problem in our house, and came home all pissed off about my lack of trying. That I only want it when I want it. I've told him before he shouldn't be changing as a means to expect something from me. That's silly, it's just putting on a show and I don't intend to follow suit. If he wants to spend time with the family he should do it just to do it, not to get something in return.

I really think I've had enough after this bout. I always thought I just had to get mad enough to follow through with my plan of leaving.. but I see it differently now. I actually had to stop getting mad to know I'd had enough. You can't see clearly when your upset, and it takes clear thinking to realize it's never going to work out.

I got blasted last night about the following..
1) the sexy time problems... and he always goes off the deep end with this, saying I think my stuff is gold and it ain't S*#t.. that he's rather F- a dog before he'd F me again.. FINE.. you go right a head and do that!
2) Kids play dates.. he totally doesn't get it! He thinks there has to be something going on for me to join some of the mom's from Tatzeanna's school for playdate. He pissed about the latest one because it's at 10:30 on V-day. Ok.. it's morning, who cares?
3)He constantly thinks I'm cheating with some guy named Nate.. WTF? I don't even know anybody named Nate. He thinks I creap out of bed at night to make phone calls, thinks I "close out" the computer when he comes around, leave doors unlocked at night for visitor ...and on and on.. Who does that crap? Please, I'm sleeping at night.
4) My mom is coming to visit next week and he always goes bizzerk when my family is coming. He thinks I act different and just turns to a general jerk chastizing everything I do..

Oh yeah.. I could go on. But I won't. However I'm gonna remember that first one and he shouldn't plan on laying a finger on me for the 2 or 3 months we have left to live together.

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:52 pm

Michelle- Aw hun!!! I dated a guy like that!!! Thank god I never had kids with him.Guys like that are very damaging emotionally so it's no wonder you don't want to have sex!!! In m y situation he always accused me of cheating.I had to call him when I got to work on my break, when I left for work, and when I got home.If I was going to his house I had to call him before I left because he timed everything.In his head if I didn't go from point A to B in X amount of time that meant I was cheating...And if I had a bruise on my leg, he'd put his thumb on it and tell me it looks like a thumb print and who was I Fu**ing?! And he used to smell my crotch and tell me it smelled like sex...Turns out he was cheating on me. He cheated once when he went out of state with a buddy and he said it was ok because it was "out of state a** so it didn't count." But when we broke up for 3 months and I slept with my ex, he held that over my head for ever...I finally got into a huge fight with him when he accused me of sleeping with my mothers boyfriend and made him get out of he car and walk the 15 miles to his house. I then drove there and was getting my stuff when he arrived home.We got into a physical fight and I broke his nose and he said he was going to call the cops.I told him to go ahead since I still had bruises on my neck from our last fight...Well I never saw the cops and I never saw him again.He did call me from a party once though asking if I'd marry him...That man doesn't deserve you girl! Be careful and I hope to god that he's never laid a hand on you. Do whatever you need to do for you and no I wouldn't have sex with him either acting like that!
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:58 pm

i have to side with the guys on this one tho. you know, without sex, your relationship is unhealthy. they have needs that need to be met, just like ours. and a lot of times(admit it) our needs are met at least 80% of the time. So why shouldn't we do it, even if it is JUST to keep them around? do you want your SO to have to go to someone else to get it? NO! Do you want him to leave you b/c he doesn't want to cheat on you in order to get the sex he needs? I don't think so. Yes, there is a point where they should be considerate of us and our feelings if we don't feel like it. But is there ot a point where we need to be considerate of THEIR feelings? You know a lot of our SO's(or DH's whichever you prefer) work all day and come home and have to deal with us being all like, "Well i cleaned all day and took care of the baby and what have you done?" well.... that's a little unfair don't you think? I have had this conversation with a very close friend of mine whose engagement was broken off b/c she was no longer satisfying the man she was with(who, incidentally, is my friend as well). Well he didn't want to hurt her by cheating on her, but he wasn't about to kill himself trying to be with her if he wasn't getting at least SOME of what he wanted.

So yeah, they should be more considerate of our feelings. But you know, I have sex with my DH even if I'm not in the mood bc I know it's the least i could do for him after all of the wonderful things he does for me. I'm jsut saying is all. I am definitely on the other side of the fence here.

I would also like to add that not having sex with a man can really lower his self esteem. You think they're mad just b/c you don't have sex w/ them. WRONG. that's not the ONLY reason. the other reason is this: he needs to know that you still find him physically attractive enough to have sex with him. If you were really horny(all of the time lol) and your DH didn't want to b/c he was "not feeling up to it," you would be mad and your excuse would be, "You don't think I'm pretty anymore!" TADA! That is how they feel. Am I not sexually appealing enough for you anymore? That is a thought that runs through their heads. B/c believe it or not, girls, they do have those thoughts. they want to be wanted too. and if you don't have sex with them like you used to, they wonder if you haven't gotten tired of them. So think about their feelings every once in a while, huh girls? Sad
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by tweetie462 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:44 pm

I can see Bekah's point, but I don't totally agree with it. This is a converstaion/fight/argument - whatever you want to call it - that DH and I have been having for almost 15 years. His timing is always the worst - like it's midnight and I really want to get some sleep, or we have company staying over. I can't say I'm happy with the amount of times, but we pretty much have come to an understanding that if one of us starts and the other "ignores" the signals, don't take it personally. But, I do have a "rule" with him - if I initiate it, I decide if we're just fooling around or DTD. If he initates, he gets to decide. I started that because he would never initate, just wait until I started making hints and then go for it. The only time he's really "all over me" is right after I have had a baby...because he knows it's not gonna happen for 6 weeks and it hasn't happened for a couple of months. Right now we're kinda "on hold" because he's still sore from the big V. Which, to be frank, doesn't bother me at all. As much as I would love the connection, I'm too tired to even go thru the motions!

And personally, I would never DTD because he wanted to -- that's not fair to him! One of the parts is the connection you feel when you're with each other that I personally don't think you get when you're going thru the motions!

Just my thoughts/observations/opinions.....
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:54 pm

I gotta disagree just a bit Bekah...Sex is important, but it's not the most important part of a relationship. Men cheat everyday even though they're getting it at home, so if I give it up more that isn't going to keep him home. I may not be going to work and bringing home a paycheck but I don't get down time from my kids or the housework like he does.Nor do I get paid vacations or even a lunch break. My job is 24 hours a day and even when I worked full time I was still the one getting up and taking care of sicks kids and the new babies and making sure he had a hot dinner and had clean clothes to wear. And I make sure he knows how hot he is.I grab his butt when he walks by and text him with sexy messages and give him long kisses... So if at the end of the day in which I fed the kids, made dinner, cleaned the house, folded and put away laundry, did the dishes, took care of the animals, paid the bills, if sex isn't on my mind and he wants to walk away to find someone else who can still do all that for him then he knows where the door is...Sorry, and if it comes off as me being a bi**h then I apologize but, I do think of him, it just needs to be said that just because I stay at home doesn't mean that I don't work equally as hard as him.It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and 2 to destroy it.I work very hard at keeping him happy but sex isnt always a part of it. Just adding my opinion...
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:16 pm

That's pretty much how I feel too. I do agree that they need theirs too.. and I actually do it when I don't feel like it.. a lot. But then I still get complaints.. your not into it. Well I didn't want to do it in the first place. Sure I've faked it from time to time, but don't like that either. And it's not like he doesn't get any.. It's usually 2 or 3 times a week.

And because I'm not a stay at home mom, he can throw that out the window. I work 40 hours, drop of and pick up the kids EVERYDAY, pay the bills (and still have to beg/fight over getting his half of the money only to watch my bank account bounce because he can't give it to me on time) I put them to bed, get up in the night, and do the majority of the house work. So just because he has finally decided to be home (for the last month) and help make dinner and do (only) his own laundry, doesn't make me think he deserves some sort of medal. He should even be helping more than that, if you ask me.

I do know that it hurts him when I turn it down but he has every right to do the same to me when I initiate. And if you can tell I'm sleepy or have a headache, I'm not just making it up.. KWIM?

I really do think some of the problem is the BC. I've never tollerated it well and this Mirena doesn't seem to be any different. I'm considering getting it taken out. I just don't want to get pg again.

Shannon - I've also thought he has to be cheating because of the amount to times he accuses me. Only the guilty do that. I have no proof and he always argues that I must be doing something because I get so mad when he says those things to me.. which just makes me even more furious. Just like you said it was a last straw with the mom's boyfriend remark.. I've got two of those.. He's recently gotten upset when I talk about my boss. The man is the age of my FATHER.. the second one that came up was his 17 year old nephew! Yup.. came to me saying he saw the way he looked at me and that he think Dominic looks like his nephew! That is just disgusting!!

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:40 pm

I thought of something else...Even if I'm not in the mood when we start I almost always get into it Wink . But sometimes when DH is in the mood the kids are up and its hard to free yourself when you have to yell at one kid to stop hitting the other Laughing

Michelle- Its hard to be in that type of relationshipI'd rather be locked in solitude for the rest of my life than go through that with a man again.My ex used to put his hands on me quite often, I'm hoping your doesnt do that...He made me believe that I was lucky I had him and I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to get anyone else...He messed me up royally.It took a long time for me to give my heart away again...If you ever want to talk girl, I'm here for ya!!!
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:53 pm

Thanks.. I just may take you up on that. He's hit me a couple of times. Of course during those altercations I hit him too. The only part that scares me about that is that I know it only gets worse once they start. The last time way by far the worst, and you can bet your bottom dollar I won't be taking even the slightest bit of that crap again.

I know it's going to take me a while to get "back to myself" and I of course worry about the kids. But I think it's time for me to move on and do what's best for all of us. Even if it's hard. KWIM?

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by tweetie462 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:35 pm

Michelle - if he's hitting you, you really need to leave him. Sorry, but you do. You need to think of your children and what they see and this is mold who they are as adults. Children learn how to adults from their parents. If they see that Daddy hits Mommy and Mommy doesn't make him stop, they think that's okay. AND IT IS NOT!! Sorry to sound preachy, but I would hate to hear that something horrible happened because you kept trying to work it out with someone who clearly has no respect for you! I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, but I just felt it had to be said.
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:36 pm

It will be hard but once you're free you'll wonder why you stayed so long...I cant imagine how hard it is because you have kids with him. But if they havent already they'll see it too...You can call me anytime, night or day 2am or 5pm...In your case I understand why you don't want sex...I didnt want it with my ex...I didnt know you could have orgasms during sex until we broke up and I slept with another ex and then with DH...But could also be the Mirena because I've lost some of the urge as well...And DH and I don't usually have problems with that...
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:55 pm

to be perfectly honest, i didn't even read the full posts of you guys when i was writing that. and I'm not saying you guys don't work as hard, if not harder than your male counterparts, i was just saying...

Michelle - uhh yeah, I'm gunna say if a man lays his hands on you (and not in the sexy way) the first time is when you need to say, "F you, I'm out." Never let a man hit you more than once. I don't care how sorry he was. It's not something you do. you don't beat on the woman that keeps you happy. sorry charlie.
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:22 pm

Bekah-If it sounded like I was grumpy at you I didn't mean it.I got on a power trip writing that, sorry.Ive been in a strange mood lately and I thnk I'm a bit hormonal... Embarassed

When you're in a relationship where you've been hit. Even though you know its not right to hit or be hit, its not as easy to walk away as one might think.The men do a lot of mental damage before the physical stuff starts so you're almost afraid of walking away...It takes alot to walk away. But when you make that step, and have left, it's the biggest relief and weight off your shoulders. So Michelle, you know at some point you will probably leave. But you will have to decide how much you're willing to take before you do. I hope that maybe you guys can really change things and have a great life but just be careful!
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:29 pm

Michelle- I am so sorry you have to deal with that kind of man...

Bekah- I see and understand the point you are trying to state but there has to be a time that a man takes into consideration what us woman do day to day whether we are working 40 paid employment or being a stay at home momma that is a 24hr/7 days a week employment or working and doing all housework as well and how worn down we get and be able to understand that just because they get a look at our boobs or butt and get turned on doesnt mean that we are ready or even have energy to hop in the sack with the same attitude after dealing with all we deal with day to day. And I too have dtd lots of times when I really truly did not want to and I think that may be part of a problem for me because I felt I did not have a choice in it really. My choices were do it and not like it or not do it and be argued with because I didnt. And being tired and in no mood to argue I just laid there and let him have at it. And I think it has caused some resentment towards sex to build up. The problem is God made woman and men way different went it came to that kind of stuff. I wish he would ve made us the same so that way men could understand us better and know how we feel...

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by PolloLoco75 on Fri Feb 13, 2009 10:55 am

Ok Wow! Several things:

#1 Michelle(mnelson)- Get out now. If he hit you once, he will hit you again and again and again. Then when the kids get older he will hit them too. It doesnt matter if you hit him he should never hit you. Men have 10x the upper body stregnth women do. They can hit so much harder than we ever could. It is not healthy for you or your kids to be in that environment. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad. Basically abuse is abuse and you and your kids deserve better. Besides you dont want your kids thinking its ok to beat on people do you? That way when Tatzeanna has a boyfriend and he takes a swing at her she stays because they are really in love and there was just some misunderstanding it was really her fault I mean she did slap him and then a few weeks later she will "fall down the stairs" again... Get out now and get a restraining order.

Bekah - I cant agree with you. I know sex is important but I am more important than sex. In a relationship when sex is good its 10% of the relationship. When it is bad it is 90% of the relationship. I cant just give it up because he wants it and I should give it to him because he is a man and thats what men want. What about what I want? Why doesnt that matter as much as him getting off? I deserve more therefore I shall have more. I must be stimulated in my mind and heart for sex not just between the belly button and the knees. Otherwise it's not happening and if you dont like it, dont let the door hit ya on the way out. Another part of it is respect. Respect for yourself and respect for your partner. If either of you dont respect each other enough to understand when the other of you doesnt feel like it then thats a problem. You also have to respect yourself enough to demand resepct for yourself. Its all a vicious cycle.

AFM - Right now isnt good for DH and I. I dont even know if he knows it. I have tried to explain it to him but he just ignores it. See, if you ignore it long enough it goes away.... Or festers and becomes a worse problem. Whatever. Right now I am on an "I love you" strike. I refuse to say it to him. I am waiting to hear it from him first. The only time I ever hear it from him is in response to me saying it to him. So I have gone on strike. Its been over a week with no I love yous.
This impacts the sexy time. There isnt any and it doesnt bother me at all. I am so not in the mood. I dont know if it was the BC (which now I am off of so things are slowly getting back to normal) or just after pregnancy not wanting to. I could just care less. In fact I know DH was going to try and go for it last Saturday. Well AF had come the sunday before and even though she was leaving - in the car bags packed motor running - I used it as an excuse to not. I just have no desire because I dont feel loved or attractive to him anymore. So this to will hopefully pass but it does make a girl depressed I tell you what.
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mnelson80 on Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:51 am

Thanks Ladies - I totally agree with what all of your are saying. It's just so weird when it happens you can't even really believe it. Then you start justifying.. even though you know there is no justification. If that makes sense. You think to yourself.. OMG.. no he didn't. I'm so f-ing out of here. But then for some reason that seems harder than staying. It doesn't happen all the time and like Shannon said your so used to being emotionally abused that it doesn't really hurt that much more than anything else that goes on. You just fight back and then you feel like and a** for even saying your were hit. I know it sounds totally off whack. I never for a minute in my life thought I would stand for that of the stuff that I've just waited through. And I absolutely don't want Tatzeanna settling for the things I do. I also truely believe that he is an alcoholic and that is a lot of the problem. But I've started to realize that even if he quits drinking he will more than likely still have manipulative, non-trusting and misguided behaviors. I'm not trying to say I'm an angel by any means. I have my faults too! So I guess the sexy time problem can really be summed up by saying.. The water's too bad to drink, when you find you've stopped drinking it.

Amy- I totally agree with what you said about you being more important than sex. If it is so important to you that you would step outside of you relationship just because you're not getting your way 100% of the time than there is more wrong with your relationship than just whats going on in the bedroom. I've always wanted "that" relationship. I just don't have it.

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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by Kim on Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:06 pm

Michelle- your realtionship sound very much like my previous realationship, minus the kids...and honestly I can tell you that some of my staying so long probably had to do with seeing the same behaviors with my parent's...I once heard my dad tell my mom that he would splatter her guts all over the kitchen wall....they seperated when I was 5, divorce final when I was 7...and it still very much impacted my early relationships...but it is hard, you love him, no matter what we say or anyone else does, so of course you find justification in what has been done. To this day many of the fights I had with my ex I feel are my fault and I instigated, does that give him any rights to put his hands on me, no, but in mind I excuse him for it.

Bekah- I too disagree with you...with my ex I swear we had sex every single day...I am not kidding, yet he was still abusive and still cheated. I am with the others physical intimacy should contribute to only about 10% of your relationship...emotional bonding and communication make up the rest. Dh and I are still very very active for old people...LOL, like 2 to 3 times a week...but it is because we both want it, and not to satisfy any sort of physical need, but to have that connection with mind body and soul...it is never just a physical release for us.
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Re: The Sexy Time Lows..

Post by mythreesons on Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:41 pm

Michelle- My ex got into a fight with his parents about him getting a job.He didnt want or think he needed to since he still lived at home.He got really drunk and took it out on me...He choked me so hard he broke blood vessels in my face and throat and even though we were just down stairs his father didnt hear me screaming.My mom asked me what happened and I told her I'd had food poisoning.Another time we'd gotten into a fight and I told him I was going to a friends house for the night(I HAD to spend every weekend with him)and I ended up dislocating my knee at her house.So I was in a knee brace and went to his house and he got mad and pushed me down the stairs and another time that same weekend, I needed to go to the bathroom and he took my crutches and wouldn't give them to me...I'm no saint either and always wanted a happy fun relationship but didnt see that ever happening.It can happen! I have that most of the time with DH.It took a long time before I realized he wasnt going to hit me or anything...But it took awhile for me to become "me" again.
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