I really need advise...

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Wed Nov 05, 2008 7:06 pm

Well I have one that got away, he has family and kiddos and stuff I know his wife (he and i were close friends in high school). He was deployed (in military) and we were chatting online once and he mentioned i was his one that got away too so we talked about that a little talked about how if things were different blah blah blah said one time i wished they were different so did he but we both knew they weren't and that is that. i really care about him not as in hey baby or love romanticly but as a person and friend i care about him and would never want to hurt him or his family (let alone I am like a trapped animal when it comes to protecting my family)

That all said his wife makes absolutely sure he and i never have the oppurtunity to talk again. she doesn't trust me and has made it so i have gone years without seeing him and all i have is the little shred of fake friendship with her that at the off chance he is in the room when i talk to her i may get a hello. When he is deployed she won't speak to me and makes sure i don't e-mail him. He knows but feels stuck I rightfuly understand his wife says no and that is that. It just hurts me alot. I mean made me cry for a while. I am not pursuing this guy he is truthfuly a close friend, but having any kind fo relationship with him is too much for his wife and I though I hate it have to respect that. is it right for him and i to have had that conversation probably not, is it right for her to feel like that she has her rights is her marriage in danger not at all. He could come running to me leave her and i would turn him down because i know she makes him happy she is his choice and i could never make him happy like that.

That said I don't think this girl has such honest intentions. I think she likes the atention she is getting and stealing from you. that was obviously a slip sending him the f*** txt and she is out of line and needs to get herself out of dodge. I know you mentioned you guys were seriously struggling does he still want to be marreid? he needs to get off the fence either be married or single but this half and half and this is half and half girl needs to get deceided. Amazing how her man is like wtf? Look I have been the other woman, been the woman burned and have one that got away and every fiber in me says this girl is over the line and he needs to deceide what the hell he wants. sorry if i seem harsh you just deserve to know and be treated better and it burns me when men don't act like men. Like just because they have a peni* they are an adult or something. maybe if their brain was down there they would use it more or something i swear!
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Wed Nov 05, 2008 7:07 pm

jessi-you and i are on teh same page...lol and posting at the same time...lol
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:01 am

Update lol

So last night, after freaking out about her man dumping her, I went to Michael's work and told him we seriously needed to talk. He needed to call someone in, skip his "run" (he actually walks lol) and talk. We went to the park so it was neutral. He said that was fine because he needed to "revise" what he had said before.

I get in the van (he had a friend drive him because he couldn't leave right that second) and there is a txt from her man. He said, its done, I feel terrible, she's at work I did it a half hour ago.

So all I am thinking is his "revision" is something much more major than I anticipated. And having this knowledge, I go to the park "armed" thinking he is going to break up with me. I am not going to give him that power, I'm dumping him damnit!

We get there, and I told him that I needed to talk him listen. I started with, well I know you know Buck dumped Amanda. And Given that, I am not alright with your method of closure. I keep going and notice he is looking at me in shock. He didn't know. He said he hadn't talked to her. His revision was going to be dinner instead of lunch because it would be easier for both of their schedules if she agreed. So we talked a bunch more and for the first time he didn't just dismiss my feelings and tell me to get over it. He admitted that although he doesn't have "feelings" for her, that their friendship had probably gotten in the way of us. He doesn't want to stop being her friend, instead he wants to "refocus" his attention onto us. It seemed like he finally understood to a degree.

I broke down, he was worried about her. So I said if you want to go see if she's ok thats fine, just please don't be gone long. He looked at me and said, you know, I would really like it if you would go with me. (me going wtf) So we went ( Rolling Eyes I know) and she didn't want to have anything to do with him. It was very akward at first and she pretty much locked herself in a tanning room. So I go over and am like look, Buck told me, and I am really sorry, WE are here to make sure that you are ok. She came out and Michael ended up telling her everything..the "closure request" my thinking he was going to tell me he was leaving me for her, everything. She came over and gave me a huge hug and told me how very sorry she was that she had made me feel like that. That she would have said no to the closure because that seems very out of line and stupid to her, they were friends not lovers and not anything in between. That Buck had told her he had been thinking they weren't right for a couple weeks, and she felt blind sided. She looked me dead in the face and told me that she was so sorry that she had known before I did (about 5 months ago) that we were having problems. She said she felt like she "tried on the other shoe" and she really hoped that I would be able to forgive her. Then she looked at Michael and told him he acted like a complete F****** A** Hole and he needs to man up and realize what he has in front of him.

Im standing there like holy crap. She was crying, I was already upset so Im crying. Im sure we looked fantastic lol

We were there for almost 2 hours. I felt like I got closure. They are still going to be friends, but I don't feel paranoid about any other intentions. I felt lifted, not played when we left. I am not 100% alright with everything, but I feel much better. She has learned what some of what I went through felt like, I told her I knew she was being dumped about 2 hours before it happened, she seemed to grow up a little.

As for the marraige thing...yes he still wants to get married we have plans set (like deposit down and everything) for Feb 2010. It is so long because I want to lose weight, there are some loose ends financially that we don't want to "give" to each other that sort of thing.

I wish I could thank you all individually for your support. I really don't think I would have been able to be strong enough (not that it is over over I know) without you guys.

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Nov 06, 2008 3:50 pm

Wow.. I read the post the other night, but didn't have time to comment. I would have totally sided with Shannon and Eileen. That somethine just didn't feel right.

I'm glad you got that out of the way last night. I think him asking you to go with is the best thing that could have happend. It makes it right there out in the open that there is nothing to hide. It sounds like a lot of the laundry was aired and maybe things are off on the right foot.

I also agree with what Jessi said about stress.. I feel so blessed that I have this clam, no fuss no muss little baby because I was sure he was going to come out just as stressed as I was. Please take it easy, it's hard on your little girl too!

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Nov 06, 2008 3:59 pm

Here an update on our house..

It's been a whirl wind.. I still don't know what direction I'm facing, but we have agreed to work on it. He was going to move out and help me with the bills until the lease ended but so far we've just been going along as usual. Neither one of us wants our very aware 3 year old to be hurt right now. (or ever) I made it pretty clear that if he was only staying or trying to make it work for the kids that, that wasn't going to work for me. He needs to be here for me also.

He stayed with his brother the other night to talk about things. I find this highly annoying considering his brothers "family" issues he's not really a great source of advice. The second more major issue is that I can't believe he was tell me he was staying over to discuss the issues when what got us into this whole mess is him being pissed about me talking to my mom about our problems. WTF??

All I know at this point is it is honestly my last try. Too many people got in the middle of the situation this weekend and it didn't feel like my own decision. But I can honestly say, I have sat here listening for the last time..I'm not going have my family or myself put down, I will not tollerate drunken rants and yelling, nor will I accept fingers being pointed in my face, my hair being pulled or hand put on me for any other reason than love.

I never ever thought it would come to this and I take my own responsiblity for what happened but that doesn't mean I will dismiss or condone it. Nothing I can say to anyone about anything is reason or justification for violence. I won't be around it and neither will my kids.

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Thu Nov 06, 2008 6:13 pm

wow so sounds liek both of you gals are doing okay rigt now then? that is awesome you deserve it.
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Fri Nov 07, 2008 10:56 am

You know, we have our own little soap opra going on. lol

Yes, going with him helped. It was odd to have him tell her that I thought the conversation was eluding to a choice that he was making. I would give anything to have known or been able to see her reaction to that. I mean, she flat out told me that she wouldn't have accepted the "closure date" but, I know (and honestly I think a lot of women who aren't 100% happy with themselves - myself included) enjoy the attention that she gets.

He and Mikey went to see her last night. My gut still got all knotted up when he said she asked if he would go over (to her work). Knowing that Mikey was there helped and he was only gone for about an hour. Just like he said, no more he wasn't late etc.

The odd thing for me right now...I think she considers him her best guy friend, and he considers her his best non me girl friend. She called last night, probably close to 11, to give him an "update", I guess her and Buck (her man, exman whatever) talked some more (I could hear her because he acts like he is deaf with the volume on his phone). From what I heard, she told Buck that she wasn't willing to accept that they were over unless he could look her in the eye and tell her there wasn't one single shred of hope, he said he couldn't do that, and she told him, well then we are in agreement that we will take a time out to think and work on things. She thanked Michael for being there for her, how much she appreciated him etc. Then she's all, I love you Michael thank you for just being there for me. He told her he loved her to.

In that moment, knowing that it was all completely platonic, thanks for being a great friend helping me blah blah, I wanted to stab him for saying that to her.

I told him after that it made me uncomfortable, he said he didn't say it to hurt/make me mad. I told him I knew that, but I still didn't like hearing it, especially after he has told me that not being able to have a relationship with her years ago is his one regret in life. I think that is a little dramatic, but it is still a big deal. He also said that he had tried to talk to Buck that evening (this guy HATES Michael) just to explain his side, why he was around her so much etc (when he was looking to her for advice on us) and basically try to just "make Buck get over it". I told him that again, good intentions or not, it is not his place to fix them.

So I started thinking, he is doing exactly what Amanda did to me. Trying to reach out and make him feel better and make it all OK. I believe that Amanda and I could be really good friends, I saw it when I was there the other night, although I think her and I agree, that we would both be willing to (at least attempt) to end a friendship that was effecting our relationship.

What I am conflicted of, and honestly I am not sure if I am conflicted because of pregnancy, everything being a whirlwind or both..is I am not sure that Michael is being such a great friend to her because he is such a great friend, or if it is allowing him to have a "taste" of what having her in his life could have been like.

I asked him about it, and he is so terrible with words and explaining feelings. He said that it will be a regret that he always has, I asked him if he thought it would be better for him to accept that this type of relationship, this friendship with her is what was meant to happen, vs. the what could have been. He couldn't really answer me. Granted he was playing a Nintendo DS (when he's a bit distracted, he isn't defenseive Smile ) I am not sure that he actually understood what I meant.

I know he is helping her the way she helped him. And if she were a guy, I probably wouldn't be phased at all by it. I like (90%) of the way things are with us again. I feel very unstressed, and I am trying to make myself see the reality that he says is there, and the reality that I saw while I was there.

Why does my head go to the, well when he said he loved her he meant it different than she did. When he talks to her during the day (which I actually think is probably quite a bit more than I thought - its fine if its just the general bs we all do with our friends) on his end, he is having some form of the relationship he couldn't have with her.

I really don't want to rehash all of this with him right now. First because she is in the middle of a break up that he was partially responsible for and probably won't work itself out. Second because I am so close to having this baby.

I want to know the translation, into guy language for the following...

"Babe, I have no problem with your being friends with Amanda. I just need you to be aware that there are times that you very much seem to want more, or are connecting with her in a way other than friends. I understand that you would have liked to have a relationship with her 4 years ago, however this is not 4 years ago. She did not come back into your life for a "reason", she came back into your life because your roles for each other were meant to be just this -friends only. I need to know that you are mentally 100% focused on our relationship, and no matter what she may be going through, I need to know that you are not getting any other benafit, mentally, emotionally besides the friendship, that you are not using this to compensate for something you never had. I need to know that our relationship, our connection will always be priority. It doesn't always feel like that, and that is why I get scared."

So do any of you have a wonderful man that will translate that for me lol ? Laughing
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Fri Nov 07, 2008 1:43 pm

here is what my husband said about yout translation girl oh also just so you know my husband consideres an amotional affair still cheating so being more intimate with a friend then your wife is cheating to him when he wrote this that was in there:

"Either he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar or he canít commit and is just waiting for the next best thing. A man that doesnít man up to his responsibilities as father, husband isnít a man at all, heís a boy and needs his momma to hold his hand. Unless you wanna be his momma and his wife I would take a harder stance or he is going to take your kindness as weakness. Thatís just what boys want. They want to wait for someone else to tell them what to do instead of taking initiave and doing it themselves. Oh and by the way I only have room for one woman in my life and I may have chicks that are friends but they either are spoken for or just plain old. If you have any respect for yourself then donít give him any wiggle room on this issue or he will burn you."

hope that helps girl

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:44 pm

It does help. I told him the other night during what I thought was our "break up talk" that if he was going to continue to be close friends like this with her, that mentally I cannot handle it.

His response was that he would never seek to control whom or why I am friends with someone and I shouldn't seek to control him. That it is my insecurity and I am allowing it to push myself from him. Everyone is entitled to friends. And if I was going to force him to make a choice like that, then I have made the choice for him.

He seems to have some sort of boundry issues or something. He likes to make people happy and be the fixer. He has what seems like literally 0 ability to see how that takes a toll on people around him. He doesn't understand that if he is giving himself, lets say 5% to 3 other people, then he is only giving himself to me and our family 85%.

I understand that she is going through a lot right now. I understand that she was there for him. I saw that it was a very bff bonding moment.

I have been reading this book that I really want him to read. It is about putting your spouse first, always no matter how much you may hate them in the moment. I want him to read it, he says he will when I want him to. I want him to, but think the timing is not right at the moment. I am thinking maybe in the next week or so.

He told me earlier that he would really like it if Amanda and I can be friends, like good close friends. I am not opposed to that, I just think all of this is timed really really badly you know?
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Tue Nov 11, 2008 12:12 am

lol my hubbys " you gonna mess around on me"... men!
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Tue Nov 11, 2008 1:15 pm

Things are so obsurd with my life sometimes. All this crap with Amanda..on Friday, I was determined to be her friend "as genuinly as I could" and she asked if she could meet my girls. Ok fine, yes get to know my ENITRE family lol. Then she never got back to me, so whatever.

That night really late, she text Michael saying her and her man got back together...but that they decided that it would be best if they don't talk to us anymore.

Suspect so what the hell? She can step out when it is effecting only her and not me? Wtfe

So Michael is genuinly upset. I told you guys about their bff moment, and well he was sad that he was losing a friend. He asked her if they could at least verbally say good bye, she took the stance of I don't owe you anything (literally her words). That kind of pissed me off simply because that is really back stabbing and not what a true friend would say you know?

So I guess as of this point no one is talking lol. Michael has become more attentive (he called me 4 times yesterday lol) and I am just trying to be supportive. We had the chance to talk more about what the "regret" actually meant, and he clarified some things and was surprised that some of what he said came off the way it did.

I dunno. I am so tired of going around with this crap. Maybe I will just up and move to TX so we can get new phone numbers lol Smile
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:29 pm

Hey girl, my mom always says, "All's well that ends well." So let that be that and over and done with. Looks like it sorted itself out. And AMEN!!! lol Smile
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Tue Nov 11, 2008 4:32 pm

Lord I hope so. I hope that she actually deleted his number and won't be coming around when they break up again or she gets bored lol.

I do find it crazy that I somehow managed to not only keep my head up when people here told me I was a crazy door mat that only was seeing what I wanted to see, that I had no back bone etc.

Crazy that although there were several times I was just ready to end it, bags packed, talked to my dad about helping me get a new place, the whole 9 yards, I somehow stuck it out and maintained the ability not to give up.

Crazy that I am a much stronger person than I thought.

My oldest DD, she'll be 10 in about a month, unfortunately heard a lot (we live in an apartment) and since she isn't stupid, knew there were times that Michael and I just might not make it. I ended up having to have a sit down with her explaining things (minimal) but that no matter what happened we would be ok.

I am not proud of some of the things that she heard, but I am proud that she was able to see that things can be on the brink and still make it. I think that was an important lesson. I hope anyways.

Crazy that so many people somehow related to my Springer worthy drama.
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 12, 2008 8:00 pm

I hope that Amanda is gonna be totally out of yours and Micheal's life for good. Although you were ready to befriend here and stuff maybe it is best this way. Maybe now that she removed herself(hopefully for good) from the picture it may be a tiny bit easier for Micheal to just move on and leave her in the past where she should have stayed because now he won't have to feel obligated to help a friend out or to explore the whole what might have been through friendship avenue etc. Right now I would like to ship my hubby off to the furthest planet and leave him there.. but thats a long story..sooo Anyways I am Glad things are starting to look up for you after all you need a break after all you have went through the past few months all while carrying a baby and trying to keep it healthy..

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