I really need advise...

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Wed Sep 17, 2008 7:51 pm

That makes sense.. best to just keep on eye on it. You pretty much said in your last paragraph what I was thinking.. like is she being just a little too helpful.. too forthcoming with info? Like this stuff...
1. Nothing incredibly major (depending on how you look at it), I guess a night he was supposed to be at poker, he was at her second job (waitress) hanging out with her until they closed, then they went to walmart. He never told me about that, it was right around 3 months ago, at the time we were not talking just screaming at each other <> second she said he told her that he was going to take her away from her BF.

That seems like it's not supposed to be totally neutral? Like she's expecting there to at least be a twinge of jealousy. I know if someone told me that about my SO, I'd be like.. HUH? Come again, he said what? Like you said, not that it's anything major, but just the deceit behind it.

One of my major pet peeves is lying.. even little stuff. Like SO will say he's going to the gas station.. and come back like in 1 hour or longer. To me that's lying.. I don't need to know every where you go, but when you tell me your going for gas, it doesn't take an hour. I guess I just feel like if he has to lie about the little stuff and is comfortable with it then where is the limit. I already feel like he has a "secret" separate life so when he lies about little crap it just re-enforces that feeling.

I've never really successfully dealt with any major relationship problems either. Not sure I'm so good at it. Of course I KNOW my SO is no good at it either. That's probably why he's been divorced twice! Gee if that wasn't a red flag from the get go I don't know what is. DUH!

(Oooo.. I wish this board had a spell check.. hope there are not to many in there.. I SUCK at spelling! And I'm not afraid to admit it!)

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:33 am

I was thinking about his ďneed for privacyĒ thing and not wanting to let you know where he is. You are a couple now not mommy and baby.. My husband calls me because its common courtesy. And he wants to sleep in this house!
I still hold that you two need to go to a relationship councilor its one thing to tell your DF I deserveÖ and Ö and you need to Ö . Its another to have someone else say, ďYou do need to call her, its common courtesy and she is having your baby, it is her business where you are and you are building trust.Ē Or even to have them tell you ďhe doesnít need to call you every moment he can tell you Hun Iím going out for a few hours be back at eightĒ But it just .. makes you feel better to know what the healthy limits are. At least for us, and my DH doesnít believe me a lot of times. Granted I studied child psychology and mostly from the advertising perspective so its not like Iím really certified to attend to relationshipsÖ

But I have to admit this all sounds a wee bit high school, and your about to have a baby. If you two are being children yourselves then your really robbing your child of a healthy childhood, so while im sure your DF thinks he deserves these things he does need to understand that he is putting his selfish desires over his childís best interest. While its not so awful to be selfish sometimes you do have to look at what is lost in the endeavor. I would hope that what he is loosing if pointed out would be enough to make him reconsider his actions.

Your Df may be saying he wants to work on your relationship but it seems he always has one foot out the door and he seems more intent on working on his friendship/relationship with this girl even to the cost of yours..
My husband got told recently by his srgnt ďyou say you want your marriage to work, but then I hear your playing video games all night. If you honestly wanted your marriage to work you would give up anything to make it happenĒ But only you know what is acceptable behavior and what is a deal breaker. You really should set down and write out what your expectations of marriage are and see if you can get him to do the same. You two might be a bit shocked at what the other expects out of marriage..
One of my friends was that her husband fill her car up with gas every time it needed it, but that wasnít possible she did a lot of work all over the state and had to fill up multiple times a week, however she expected it and was feeling resentful because he was not meeting her expectations. It wasnít until she realized this was a hidden expectation that she was able to start letting go of some of her resentment towards her husband. After getting your expectations down you two should discuses weather this is a realistic expectation or an unrealistic one and why?


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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Sep 18, 2008 12:23 pm

That's some good advice.. I should do it too! Thanks Jessi

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:15 pm

There is a program here in Oklahoma called family expectations. Its a free public reaserch study thing, but anyway they are trying to lower the divorce rate so they give you all these classes to help your marriage as well as money Razz for there "Crib" we ended up with well over 300 dollars in crib cash by the end of the classes to buy stuff at there store. They also serve dinner every Tuesday (they offer the classes other nights we just took ours tue) before class child care for other kids you may have.. it was really awesome. They stay in touch with you for the first year of your child's life. But that was one of the classes was hidden expectations. my DH still avoids that one which i why i remember it so well. When we talked about our expectations he got mad and said mine sounded like a big chore list and hasn't been talked about it since..

I'm probably going to see if he would go over the exercise again tonight Smile
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:26 pm

I think that some of these men need to (pardon the expression please) but grow some Balls and stand up and be real men, fathers and husbands. I mean really what do these husbands expect when the baby comes? that they get to be child number 2? I mean if we wanted another person to dress adn keep track of and bath we woudl of ahd the kid wihtout them. What do they want their children to think of them? I can tell you books on what I think of a parent who put themselves first and never grew up and it ain't good not a word of it. Spent most of my life just trying to not hate them. What do they think they are going to teach their child? that the child isn't convienet or kosher to their lifestyle? Real men don't have emotional affairs, they don't act like children and they step up and take responsability. I am sorry and I know men are men but give me a break you guys deseve to be treated better. I must say my husband was the video game playing non-emotional type until we had a child and I said the exact words to him and told him if he wasn't going to help then to get out that I didn't need another child. He was immature and there is nothing wrong with that unless you choose to stay there. He chose to grow up. You married a women what did you expect it was going to be like a night at hooters 24-7 I mean really lets get real and grow up here. You did the deed that little preciouse child didn't ask to be your spawn so grab your balls and be a man and get yourself straight and ready for this child and family. It just fires me up when i see men not even pretending to act like the big tough men they think they are. I do'nt m,ean to hurt any of your feelings I just think you all are wonderful beautiful women and these men need a dose of reality.
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:38 pm

BRAVO!! Woo Hoo! YOU GO GIRL!! cheers

I couldn't agree with you more. Personally I'm sick of trying to explain myself to him and why I think his behavior is unacceptable. I'm pretty checked out at this point so even when he does kind of try it doens't go very far. This does make me feel like I'm giving up with out really trying, but I know that's just some skewed sense of responsibilty or justification talking. I have every right to feel the way I do and I shouldn't have to follow him around explaining why he needs to be at home more. I have a pretty sure feeling that come May (end of lease terms) that the kids and I will be getting our own little cozy place. I know it won't be easy, but I will sure beat the hell out of walking around on eggshells all the time and feeling upset that he's not home yet cringing when the door opens. That's no life for me or for my kids.

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by Guest on Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:13 pm

[i]WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO EILEEN i THINK YOU SAID IT QUITE WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These ladies deserve much better esp being the fact they are carrying these very mens babies. Its the least the guy could do.

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:33 am

I agree too, we deserve better. I am at a crossroads, more so than I was in the last week.

He said that the "ultimate" goal is to be in love with me the way he should, I share that goal. Not that there isn't love there, but you know.

Yesterday I was looking through a mailer we get every week and there were some GREAT house deals (we had been looking at buying) and I looked at him and said, so are we ok enough to still be looking. He says, oh yeah, like it's no big deal things are going good etc. I have felt like things have been really good for the past 2-3 days (I know its only a couple days, but it's better than it has been lol) last night I really just wanted to be cuddled, held something. So I give him a kiss tell him to sleep good and he says you too, but then just lays there. Granted the last few nights I put my arm around him and he reciprocates, but I wanted him to do it first, I wanted to feel like he needed/wanted that too. So I don't do anything and roll to my other side. Then he "playfully" nudges me and I'm like, why are you pushing me? (playfully) He's all why are you pissed? I told him I wasn't, he's all ok whats bugging you? (so I'm thinking, I'm already feeling like I am at the point of tears, we just watched 2 movies back to back, I am already up way past my bed time - I am sure that is contributing) So I just told him nothing was bothering me, why would he ask. He says, well I know you, maybe it's just my imagination. I told him I was fine, that nothing was wrong. Seriously, when I have to wake up in 4 hours, is it really worth the, well I feel neglected right at this very moment because you didn't initiate cuddling? So this morning (we are down to 1 car at the moment) I was like, you know, it would be nice if you called or something to see how my day was going. It seems like I'm always calling you. He says something about how I txt 2 hours into my day (which starts at 6a) and I normally do, but it is to make sure my daughter's are up and ready for school, they tend to dawdle and he tends to let them. I told him that, and he's like, why don't you just say, hey I miss that you don't seem to call me anymore. When you say it the other way it seems like you are pushing again.

Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked

I literally have said that to him like 10 times in the past 2 months. Almost those exact same words.

I have no idea (last I heard was wednesday) if Amanda is still sticking to her "word" and not talking to him. I did tell her yesterday that I would like to hang out or something so we can see what else we have in common besides him, she said she would too, we just didn't set a "date".

I know things aren't going to go from hey I might move out to oh ive missed you so much overnight. But is there a freakin handbook on how to word things so your drama queen DF doesn't think you are pushing? WTF.

So I'm not calling him at all today. He works an open to close (he manages a pizza joint) today so he will be working from 10a- probably around 330ish A tomorrow morning. He just has to pick me up at 430. I am half tempted (simply because I don't have really any friends out side of work) to put a "friend wanted" add somewhere so I get people to talk to. Lets see how he feels when someone else wants to know about my freakin day. Hell, maybe I'll play "single" and find some guys that do lol. ARRRGHHGHGH
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:30 pm

Dh and me made a list, ten things that we can give each other as gifts, little things and there not to be kept score of or anything but we are to attempt to give three a day.

Its suppose to make you feel loving by acting loving before actually feeling it? Does that make sense?

Anyway his are (brew him coffee/ and or make cup and put in front of computer in morning)
Toss towel in the dryer and warm it for him
Lay out fresh socks for him in the morning
Great him at door when he comes home with hug and kiss (Iím really bad about just letting him come find me when he gets home)
Fix him a snack when he gets home nothing crazy toast with pb is awesome..
Pour his milk at dinner..
You know that kind of thing
Mine are similar easy things leave a love post it, write a note on the shower mirror, 15 min foot rub..
I donít remember the others..
We use to do these back when we lived in California and it was awesome after last nights walk home we both agreed to start doing them again and made new lists. The lists are put somewhere in the house so we can add to them and create new love bits.. But it is nice to have that little extra what can I do to make him happy, though its really hard to not sit back and be like okay whatís he going to do for me?
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:03 pm

Jessi that is so cool! Really I mean the list idea is awesome and yeah he better hold up his end but he is willing and wants to do it. To me in my relationships that is all I have ever really needed the desire and will. I think every women needs to konw that they are special enough to their man that they will do things like that. Every man seems to need respect to feel loved and we want to be loved to feel respected. That is so AWESOME!
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:11 pm

well.. i donno about holding up his end but as long as i dont expect him to do something because im doing something it does make me feel better to act loving twords him..

But he is making dinner right now Razz I made MY fav cookies almond butter cookies and let him lick the bowl so he is making lazania, green beans and salad and im actually being allowed to use my computer.. its amazing lol

So today things are lookin swell!
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:16 pm

I actually got a random hello call today, granted I'm sure that is because I bitched about it this morning, but seriously losing the small stuff really adds up and is so noticable. I hate it. Oh AND I said, ok well I hope your morning goes well, I'll talk to you later....I GOT AN I LOVE YOU. affraid lol.
I have been reading a lot about this guy, Mort Fertel who does a Marriage Fitness program. I want to get it but the cds are $70. There is a book though, from 2004 that is only like 10. So maybe I'll order that and "leave it out". The program seems to focus on not focusing on the problems, but focusing on the good. My only question is, how do you know if the problems are still happening? Or if it is one of those things that by focusing on the good, the "problems" seem less appealing and slowly wither away and die on their own.
Oh well I guess. I am out of work in 15 min. I hope all you ladies have a wonderful weekend, and I am sure we will touch base again come Monday! Smile
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Tue Sep 23, 2008 2:28 pm

How's it going on the home front for ya?

I got this book yesterday called Why does he do that? It's actually about abusive relationships.. not saying that about yours at all.. but it had a section in it about communicating with another woman about the relationship. ( Don't know the best way to put that.. didn't want it to sound like "the other woman" YKWIM?) It was pretty interesting. I was going to bring it to work today and forgot, but I'll find it tonight and see if I can type part of it out.

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:33 pm

Things are decent.
I have signed up for a daily news letter from this guy who does marraige fitness. It has a lot of communication advise. I have been trying to do it (it says one partner can do it if the other isn't on board at the moment) When it comes down to it, it basically gets you back to basics. There are no no's when it comes to the conversation. First absolutely no talking about the problems at hand. Seems backwards I know, but essentially it says by not talking about them (since its obviously a huge sticking point) and focusing on what the conversation was like before the kids etc. The problems, although they will not go away, will become muted.
So for my case, I was so hung up on the what is he doing/talking to that was all I could focus on. Still is to a degree, but I am not letting myself (to the best of my ability) fall into the trap. I was always just "generally innocently" asking if he'd talked to Amanda, that I think it probably made him talk to her more to a degree. I haven't asked, and he randomly offers that she is still ignoring him. Just the little things for us. It seemed that we fueled each other a lot, and not that I think it was ever ok at all, but I think by me tripping all the time, it made him have a reason to talk to her. Does that make sense? I'll post some of the suggestions, there's 50 in all, but I already tend to go on and on Smile

However...I am wondering if I made an error at all...I have been chatting with Amanda off and on for about a week week and a half. So we were chatting yesterday, just the normal, yeah im bored at work kinda things. So I ask her if she has bday plans with her man, how they are doing etc. She said they are doing fantastic, asked how me and michael are doing. I say , you know we are doing great, are you still not talking to him?lol . She says no, she hasn't talked to him I say, you know, no offense, and I mean no offense, but I think that has helped us quite a bit.

She doesn't really say anything back. I apologized if it sounded horrible, made up some crap about how it is so easy to talk to her that I just didn't watch what I said blah blah blah. She says, whatever its no big deal. And that was the end of the conversation.

So now I am thinking this is going to go 1 of 2 possible ways. Either she is going to continue to not speak to him and add me to her list and be done with us both or she is going to talk to him in essense to spite me since I said that. And probably tell him I said that.

If she goes the first way, then I will know that she is not a horrible home wrecking tramp ( Twisted Evil ) and that she understood that there were lines that she unfortunatly crossed (either intentionally or not) and she is respectful enough to have realized her place

The second way, will confirm to me that even if she isn't interested in DF, that she very much enjoyed being a part of the drama and liked the attention. ESPECIALLY if she tells him I said that. In which case she is a home wrecking tramp. I will then have to figure out how to procede from there because I will absolutely not be ok at all with their friendship. I don't think I'm being unrealistic, they have been friends for 4 months, most of which was consumed by the main topic being our relationship. They aren't bffs, or life long friends or anything so.

This is by no means letting him off the hook for anything. Since doing these "exercises" I have noticed him compromising and making more of an effort, so lets keep our fingers crossed. I'm going to shut up now and put the "suggestions" into a new reply Very Happy I know we are virtual strangers, but having this thread has helped me so much. I am sorry that there is more than just me going through crap, but I am glad we can be there for each other. I love you
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:43 pm

SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH

Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or drop off your keys, but the song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.

See, the song's ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that's most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.

You want to save your marriage, right? Good; you know WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will you restore your marriage? Everyone WANTS to renew their marriage. But very few people have a clue how to go about it.

Let's be clear about one thing first. It happens through ACTIONS. Youíll never be able to blab your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into. You must act.

Okay, but what actions?

Within the next 24 hours, I want you to try a
Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.

A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON- LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat. And you do NOT need your spouseís cooperation. If necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail can even work.

A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment.

Og Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing that ALL great feats are accomplished one small step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make
a BIG difference.

Shaylean, do you remember when you used to just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean
just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the experience you had jogging in the park.

1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's
decisions
2. Share dessert with one fork
3. What was "your song" when you were dating?
Call your spouse and sing it to them.
4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or
home and give them a kiss... and then leave.
5. Play footsie next time you sit together
6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your
spouse
7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really
listen
8. Kiss your spouse upon waking
9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping
10. Caress your spouse's hand
11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while
driving
12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each
other
13. Sit on your spouse's lap or sit them on yours
14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing
15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them
know you are thinking of them
16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage
17. Share a story from the news or your day that
you thought was interesting
18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's
looking.
19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all
over again, you'd choose them
20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their
concern
21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in
bed
22. Fall asleep holding hands
23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time
they leave the house
24. Call your spouse at work with the latest
news.
25. Have a tickle "fight"
26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently
made
27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a
better person ... tell them now
28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite
physical trait
29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud
30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of
your gaze ... share your feelings
31. Share what you most admire about your spouse
32. Have a "remember when?" moment.
33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a
challenging time in your life
34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you
are in the same room
35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce
36. Hold hands under the table
37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes
38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him
with love
39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch
her with love
40. Knead the same dough together
41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking
42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability
to overcome a problem
43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you
can help
44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ...
deliver it with a kiss
45. Send your spouse a fax with your special
"code words" for I Love You!
46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake
them with a massage
47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while
he/she is reading
48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't
wait to see him/her again
49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt
anyone
50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping

Sorry for the length, I really like this guy and thought maybe you guys would too Smile
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by eileen bauer on Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:48 pm

I like those! he is right about most couples only talk about problems or logistics. My husband and I used to sit on the back porch and smoke and talk but since we quit smoking we don't sit out there so we have had to make a deliberate attempt to sit and chat or as I am falling asleep he sits at the computer in our room and we chat.
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:03 am

I showed those to my husband and he was like .... write em down and I'll give it a go. Lol
he was a bit overwhelmed by the length I think.

He told me to put it up on his "board"

(he has a closet for uniforms and so on its actually a rather large coat closet but it has a filing cabnit,cork board calender and so on in it.. kinda like a small office its right next to the family calender so if we want to pass messages we put post it notes on the door, not always lovely when company comes over to have i adork you all over the place though >.<)

so thank you for sharing this its gonna be fun trying out Smile
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:44 am

I printed them out and was reading them in our van waiting for DF yesterday. He asked what I was reading, I told him, he's all so what do I need to do? (I said I already do a lot of them -I do Smile ) I'm like well I don't know you can read it if you want. lol

So this morning, I called his cell from our break room, not thinking because we only have like 20 min left to use for the month. So I hung up after the 2ND ring, as I was hanging up, you know that moment when it is too late to turn back but you know someone answered the phone? That happened, so I hurried and called him from my cell (mobile to mobile min are free) and he doesn't answer. I tried like 4 times, then txt and told him I called from the break room not really thinking, I think I hung up you, sorry if I did, call me please. I wait like 10 min, try calling him again since my break is ending, he answeres, he's all "What?" I apologized and he's like whatever, its a great way to start the day, checking up on me etc blah blah blah. I say, well GD (sorry if that offends) you know I don't have anything better to do at 612A than check up on you, hang up and call back within the same minute from my cell phone. I told him that I hate the "whatever" responses, and that he thinks I am hell bent on checking up on him because I think he is cheating. I have NEVER thought he was cheating, not once. I told him he was full of sh*t that I have never thought he was cheating, nor am I stupid enough to block my cell number (hello its in his name, print out the records and there's the proof) then turn around and call in the same freaking 30 seconds. That when he jumps the gun and assumes that I am checking up on him, he wouldn't want me to do the same thing. Hell last night he returned movies from a rental station and we get email confirmations when we return them. My email said he returned a movie last night at 1147P (he was playing poker) but he says he returned them at 1115. I told him that if I was checkin on him, I would question what he was doing with that 30 min of his unaccounted for time. Then of course I start crying. He's all why are you start crying, I want to say because you're a fing a hole. But I say its because this sux, I feel like I am trying and making all of these positive changes for me, for us, but the second 1 thing seems a bit off, he takes us back to before square 1. I was like I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. He's all I don't either. Then the subject gets changed to how we have to break up this paychecks finances.

This is exactly what I was f*ing talking about. Things seemed like they were going GREAT, and BAM, I feel like I am slapped in the face and things are really no better than they were 2 freaking weeks ago.

How am I supposed to not be on eggshells and feeling like I need to be uber aware of everything I am doing?

How is progress supposed to be made if essentially, I am supposed to change all of my behavior, and he is free to immediately go back to how things were, or things that happened? How is that fair? How is that wanting to have the "ultimate" goal? He says I dwell on the past, how is he not doing the same thing? ARGGHH!!!! I am so frustrated right now!!! Mad
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mythreesons on Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:17 am

I have a question and please don't take this in a rude way because I so do not mean it that way at all...I know your DH hasn't cheated but when mine did someone asked me the same question...Why is it that he screws up and your the one trying to fix everything?My DH had an affair 3 years ago, I won't go into the nitty gritty details now but if you want to hear about it another time feel free to ask, anyway your DH's attitudes and responses to your actions remind me of where I was 3 years ago and how much it hurt to deal with...It still hurts when I think about all of it...I went to get health insurance and she referred me upstairs to a woman who used to do counseling just to chat...She is the one that asked me the same question I asked you...I really was mad at her for asking that...It's a tough situation, you feel like you're always walking on egg shells with him, and you never know what the new day is going to bring...But then she told me that I need to set boundaries...What I will and what I won't accept as behaviors from him...I sat down and thought about what was acceptable and what wasn't, what I was willing to deal with and what I wasn't...I had to be ready to just walk away from him but I'd had enough and was prepared to do that if I had to...I sat him down and told him that there were certain things that he was doing that were not acceptable behavior and that I wouldn't tolerate them if he wanted to stay together and be a couple...Now I was very aggressive with how I told him, it was literally this is how we it has to be to work or we're over...That won't work for everyone...But seriously, as long as he is "allowed" to behave that way he will...It's not easy telling him that you won't put up with certain things, but it needs to be done...I won't say that things were magically better over night or that I'm over the affair, but things slowly but surely improved...Do we have the same marriage that we did before the affair, of course not, but do we both now try to work on it everyday?Absolutely...I wish you the best of luck and I can see how much he is hurting you...Not physically but all of this is very damaging mentally especially being pregnant...I truly hope that by reading this you aren't offended in any way by what I said, I'm not telling you how to run your marriage, but I've been there and know what finally worked to make things better for my family...I think I'm clickable if you ever want to chat off the board, feel free to email me....

Shannon
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by jessijennings on Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:34 am

Our councilor had us do something similar, boundaries/ground rules and hidden expectations. WE where suppose to figure out what it was we wanted from the other one and why we where feeling so hurt then write it down and discuses if it was a realistic expectation..
I really donít think your DF checking in with you especially when your pregnant is unrealistic. I believe its call curtsey. My husband for the first time in two years did not call me the other day and I worried. He said he was going over to his friends for a few hours ended up staying six. Well I tried to call once and couldnít get though but his friend has a cell phone and those donít work to well on base with all the planes ya know?
Anyway he ends up coming home, knowing heís in trouble and acting like a little kid because he knows it. He was like well I had to squeeze in every last ounce of fun before you take it from me.. blah blah making excuses and justifying himself for actions he knew where unacceptableÖ eventually after just leaving him alone he felt bad and told me that he knew he shouldnít have stayed over there. He didnít mean to so long but as he was leaving at noon (came home at four) his friend was like check out this new video game I got. I swear video games are like acid to him or something. .. he was gone for the next few hours and he knew he shouldnít but he thought oh just a few minutes it wont hurt and then he was shocked by how much time had passed..
Point is, usually they act like a jerk because they know they have done something wrong and they feel deep down that there trying to make you the one whoís being a jerk and there grasping for justification. Its not our job to fix them or take this stuff we are not a mommy or a door mat.

Itís a house hold so set some rules..
If your going to b more then half an hour late call.
If you go somewhere and you havenít told me your going leave a note. Why would I want to come home to an empty house? Thatís a roommate not a partner you do have the freedom to come as go as you want but you owe me the curtsey to let me be a part of your life too..
The checking up on you thing, maybe you are probably you arenít so what the point is he has lied, he has been caught trust is hard to get heís going to have to earn it and until he does there is no use him acting innocent. He was lying to you about where he was and spending that time with another woman and now he acting like your crazy?
Seriously !
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:34 pm

I have taken responsibility for my role in things, the OCD stuff, the not intentionally checking up on him, that sort of thing. I do not feel like he has done that, not out and out, yes I screwed up on this this and this, I had my reasons at the time, I am sorry I made you feel ____ and I understand why you were _____. I will try my best not to do that again. Instead it seems that since we "agreed" to work towards a solid "us" again, his one day at a time stuff is just that (and to a degree that is fine) but seems like one little mis-step, or perceived mis-step (as the case was this morning) and he is back to 3 months ago, forget any progress; like it is all starting again and any good days were a facade.

I don't like feeling like I am at the wtfe, get your own place I'm done point. That is really what I am feeling right now.
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mnelson80 on Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:51 pm

I really wish I had some better advice, but Iím going through the same thing!! (Just different reasons.) I told my mom yesterday that my problem is I donít know weather to let the other shoe drop and just be done, or to back track and try again. Itís the hardest decision ever. I feel like Iíve done so much trying. Iím sick of trying. Kiss my butt for a little while! (Thatíll never happen) But its how I feel. I know in the last couple of weeks, maybe even months Iíve been really cold to him. I think I mostly though maybe he would see that his shenanigans arenít working and if he doesnít shape up there wonít be any affection coming from me. Weíll it just serves to piss him off even more.

And just like you saying one little thing and it feels like your at square one.. thatís my problem with taking the high road and trying to be nice. I feel like Iíve let myself get hurt too many times and too often. Itís hard to tell myself, just let it all go and try again. Because I feel like Iím just waiting for that one blow up or one nasty remark..especially because I know itís coming.

What was interesting about your post this morning was that he felt ďchecked up onĒ even after you all discussed those steps yesterday. I thought for sure that was leading to a story about how you called him out of the blue to say have a great day, be safe..etc. and that it was all touching. I never expected to see what actually did happen. I never understand how the simplest things can backfire like that.

SO and I actually had a decent night last night. He still wasnít home before 10pm which always irks me.. especially when he says he wonít be late. ( To me that is a LIE!) Anyway.. we actually has some small conversation about the baby, which never happens and he was happy to see I had gotten those hand me down clothes. However he was a little sad that I had bought him a Dallas Cowboys outfit, because he wanted to be the first one to get him that. Blah, whateverÖ

Iím still not sure what I plan to do. I too most of the time feel like I canít wait to get my own place where my stomach doesnít sink when the garage door goes up, I donít have to account for every penny Iím asking for on the bills, yet do all the grocery shopping out of my own pocket or be upset the Iím the only one who has to drop of and pick up DD. Somehow I just stay so confused that I donít know if itís the right decision to make though. I know that only I can make myself happy, and that I let other peopleís actions take too much toll on me. However I still feel like I deserve to have a man who comes home to his family as a priority, instead of being gone as a priority. Iíve started to make some boundaries and itís only been a day or two, but my first attempt didnít go so well.

I said that I refused to have serious conversations about our relationship anymore if I knew he had been drinking. (If I never had to see another beer in a paper sack in my house I would jump for joy!) His reaction was to tell me I was reading to many damn books and that they were filling my head with nonsense. On top of him standing over me threatening to poor beer on my head. How mature.

Well this post is clearly getting nowhere.. so Iíll quit rambling.. but I know how you feel.. one step forward, two steps back.. every time.

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Re: I really need advise...

Post by sanderson0705 on Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:38 pm

He just seems so damn headstrong that he "isn't going to change" he told me he is going to talk to girls (the root issue if you have read the posts from the begining lol). His reasons for that are not for me to judge, and unfortunately do a degree are something I have to accept as he himself isn't ready to face those reasons. He doesn't seem to understand that literally my only issue with that is if he has a "seperate single" persona that he carries on day to day. I don't even know, I am fairly sure he does, but am not positive if it is an "in the moment" thing or something that is like a different persona in his daily life.

I feel like I want to pull my hair out. On one hand, hes like yes, lets work on us, but on the same hand it feels like he is taking a mental note of things that I have done, and is on autopilot and reverts back to how he felt then and won't accept that there is other explanations as to why I do what I do. He's paranoid over nothing. I know he's not cheating, but yet he thinks that is where my mind goes. There is no convincing him otherwise. I just want him to get his head out of his butt long enough to be able to see that yes, our issues are relativly small compared to what other couples have to face, and fairly stupid, but we have both made them worse than they are. If he could take a moment to reflect on how riduclas and childish he reacts sometimes, even laugh at himself that would help. Hell I did, it wasn't all that hard.
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mythreesons on Wed Sep 24, 2008 6:44 pm

Here's the thing...If your DH's are telling you that you're checking up on them it's because they know that they messed up and don't like being caught...It's hard for a man to own up to his mistakes...Seriously if my DH told me that he is going to talk to girls, I'd tell him that's fine and I'd get a female lawyer for him to talk to when I file for divorce...There are certain things and actions that just aren't tolerable in a marriage and sometimes men have a hard time accepting those things...The hardest thing on my DH, and one of our turning points was when I ripped up our marriage license in front of him...He knew at that point I was serious...There were many times when DH would give me a hard time about things we'd agreed on...Such as, if you're going to be more than 15 minutes late, then you call BEFORE you're late...If I gave him a hard time about it and he got grumpy, I'd simply remind him that that was one of the things we'd agreed upon and if there was nothing to hide than he shouldn't be upset...Stick to your guns...Don't ever let him turn it around so that it's you causing the issue by "checking up on him"...Cause that's seriously BS!I really feel for you guys! I've been there so I know how you guys feel and it breaks my heart that you guys have to feel like that especially while preggo...I had a miscarriage a week after finding out about DH's affair and didn't know I was preggo...I had a hard time forgiving him for that...Anyway, it's not about who's checking up on who, it's a matter of respecting each other and vows that both parties made...If you don't want to respect them, then get the F out...KWIM?
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Re: I really need advise...

Post by mythreesons on Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:31 am

Shay,
I tried to email you back last night and my computer wouldn't let me....Stupid thing...Anyway will try to send it again, just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you Very Happy
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