Feeling really scared...

I understand if no one has anything to say to me on the following subjects but I need to reach out somewhere.

Background on me first...
I am 31 years old and have a 12 year old daughter. I am bipolar and borderline schitzophrenic. This is the point where most people will decide they do not want to have anything to do with me and Iunderstand completely. I am not dangerous and have never harmed anyone. My DD has ADHD, minor dislexia, and is mildly retarded. She is also the only reason I have lived for the last 13 years. She has been everything to me. I met my DF about 5 months after I moved back to Oklahoma in June. That was in November last year. In January this year I lost my medical coverage and had no meds and it was getting to me. I finally promised my mother ( whom lived with my daughter and I) that I would go to the E/R. I went and was told they wanted to admit me for 3 days to the norman hospital and instead my aunt who took me (she was in cahoots with my mother) lied to the doctor said I was a threat to my daughter and myself and because of that the police came and took me to the local mental hospital and locked me up until I could prove otherwise which was 4 days later. During this time my mother talk to an attorney and found out that I really never got custody of my daughter back from when she was given guardianship a long while back while I was out of state working so she could take care of my duaghter. Anyway. She took my daughter away from me while I was in the hospital, informed me that she did not pay the rent like she told me and used it to put her stuff in storage and move to a new apartment. She told me all this during the first and only call she would take from me while I was in the hospital. My DF came to see me everyday I was in there and I moved in with him when I got out. I was a little scared but that is the only good thing that happened. Now I have to play nice with my mother so that I can see my daughter and get her on the weekends I am able to and anytime she doesn't have school. My DF wants us to go to court and get my DD back but we have to wait until we have somewhere for her to stay because I am not able to work right now, because I can't take all my meds because I am pregnant. He can't afford much of anything on his salary because he is a student and will be graduating in December with his PHD but until he starts working after that and making more he makes just 10 an hour. I am absolutely Terrified!! I am having massive panic attacks and am not sure what to do. I want my daughter back so bad it's killing me not having her home with me. I don't want her to feel like she is being replaced with the baby. I tell her we are not getting a new baby just another one. I try to keep her involved. I think somewhere inside I feel like I am replacing her. I'm afraid that I haven't been a great mom to her so far and I just want to be a better one and get my family back together. I don't want her to feel gipped if I am a better mom to the baby than I was to her before now. I am scared I am never going to get her back. I am scared that I am never going to be a really good june cleaver type mom. I am scared that this is all going to be too much for my DF and I am scared that at any moment what little I have left in life could all be pulled out from under me and I'll be without my DD forever and lose my baby and my DF.
Sorry this was so long. I just needed to see if anyone can help. I really have no one to talk to.

Honestly I think you have your ducks in a row...you are doing the right things that you need to be doing for now. Do you have medical insurance for now? I would highly suggest that you see a mental health counselor, to get your feelings of anxiety out before it gets to far. Some family counsiling sounds like it would be very beneficial right now too.

Kim I really want to thank you for actually answering me. It is comforting. I am on medicaid since I found out I was pregnant. I immediately started seeing my psychiatrist again. She has me on as little medication as she thinks both the baby and I can take without either one of us being harmed. It is not helping a whole lot though. I am on constant suicide watch. I haven't seen a counselor yet. I think I should too, I just can't seem to find a way to do it right now. My DF is absolutely wonderful I have to say. He understands my mental illness for the most part anyways. He understands that I am going to have SEVERE mood swings and anxiety and he tries really hard to be there for me as much as he can. He tries to listen, but he feels helpless to do anything to help so he really just tries to avoid all of it all together. I am so sorry that I burdened anyone with this problem. I had a bad night and I had no where to turn. Thank you again Kim. I really appreciate it. I am just really alone. I have no friends here and can't talk to family and only leave the house about once every week or two just to go to the store or the doctor.

Amanda you sound like you have had to lead a hard life and you have suffered because of your mental illnesses but they don't make you who you are, you do that and you seem to be a wonderful and lovely person who just wants to do the best thing. I am bipolar and have had some issues with that never like yours i must admit but i know at times i feel like people look at you for what you have, not who you are with a mental illness. you have every right to have your daughter back and be a good mother to her. I would say talk to a pregnancy resource center or something about finding a counselor or your OB could maybe point you in the direction of a group you could get into that meets regularly. Being isolated plays on us especially. I know I get into a rant and it just eats at me sometimes and i can't let it go like everyone tells me to. i just can't. Good luck girl and keep your head up this too chall pass, you will be able to look back on this and say now that i have everything back to the way it should be i can't believe it!

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Even if you feel like we aren't listening...trust me we are here...just putting out there will help you feel better regardless.

Amanda - there is no such thing as the "perfect mom". All you can do is the best that you can do and the fact that you recognize that you need help and are asking for help is a positive step. As Kim said -- we're all here for you...even if it's just to listen. Sometimes just writing it all out makes things seem better. We all have problems that we have to deal with every day and having a place to vent about the little things and the big things makes it easier.

amanda - I am so sorry for all of this stress you are going through. I have had bouts with some serious depression and I know it can be scary. I have no idea what you are going through with your mom, but I must say that you are doing, what I think is, everything in your power to get her back! I think what you are doing is noble and I think you would be a terrible mom if you DIDNT care this much! Once you get your stuff together a judge would be crazy not to let you have your little girl back. I am proud of you for even putting up with your mother so that you can see your little girl. I think this is a wonderful testimony about how you can change your own life around because of your love for your child. It is amazing what love can make you do! Just know, Amanda that we are here for this purpose exactly. We are a support group and God put you here for a reason. You needed help and here we were. I really hope everything works out. Keep us updated when things come through, okay? I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You deserve to have your baby back if you are working THIS hard to be a better person so she can be with you. I know it's hard, but stay strong. Even if you can't afford therapy right now, we are here to listen and give advice. Use us as your output for stress and anxiety, we won't mind. Good luck hun and god bless!

Bekah

Bekah, Elise Kim Eileen - Thank all of you for your support and your kind words. They all brought tears to my eyes. It is nice to know that at the very least I have people that will listen. I know DF is here for me and he wants the same thing, but I just can't seem to talk to him about my stress right now because of all the stress he is already under. I don't want to push him over the edge. With luck and prayer and faith I will have my DD back very soon. DF told me this morning to look into apartments in moore, ok today and see what I can find so maybe we can afford to move soon. He says we will work harder on it. He wants her home with us too, and he really wants to try and get her home before Christmas. Well, I have gone on too long I really just wanted to thank all of you.

Everyone - Thank you for letting me us the forum as a venting place for my stress.

Amanda- I don't know what to say other than we're all here to listen...This is an awsome bunch of ladies on here that are very special and none of us is here to judge...We've all had rough times and it's nice to be able to talk to someone about things that isn't in the situation...Anyway, we're all here to listen

Shannon

Everyone here is wonderful..I went (am still going through some stuff) my post was "i really need advise". Haven't used it for a bit (knock on wood) but it was and still is so comforting to be able to be so honest on here. I didn't receive any judgement, just support and some fantastic "ears" and "shoulders". We are all here for you. Post often and long do what you need to do to help destress yourself (at least in the moment)