Where is the line?

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Where is the line?

Post by eileen bauer on Thu Nov 27, 2008 10:31 pm

So I have had a few people come up to me whom I am close to and ask me if I am okay and if I am doing alright saying I seem quiet, distant, and sad. They are suggesting I may have some post pardum depression. But I feel fine I mean I have some things going on that aren't happy so where is the line? I am 20 pounds heavier and 2 sizes bigger than I was before the baby and that is a big deal both for me personally and for my work I will literly get in trouble here at some point iof I don't lose the weight. I go back to work Monday, and my son has had a rough time since birth. I discovered that I was not allowing myself a break from caring for the baby and that was getting to me so I talked to my husband and he was supportive and fine with it. when Daniel was not spitting up everything he was constipated and crying and poor guy has not been a happy camper and has had it rough since birth but at any rate it has not been like my last two so kind of a shock to my system. So with all that if I seem a little down isn't that alright or does that mean I have post pardum?

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Re: Where is the line?

Post by jessijennings on Fri Nov 28, 2008 12:43 am

I'm not saying that you do have it but what would be so bad about it if you did? You seem a bit against being labeled as that but maybe that's just my take on it?
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Fri Nov 28, 2008 3:36 am

I think postpartum depression is actually a severe form of the baby blues. It usually involves you not actually wanting to hold you child and being severely depressed. I thought I was battling with it for a while. I was crying for a while(just out of nowhere) and would just sleep a lot(while DF watched baby). I think postpartum depression is worse than people seem to think it to be. I think in general you may have the baby blues. Which is totally normal. Believe me, postpartum depression can lead to much worse things than just a distant attitude towards friends and family. And considering your babies digestive problems, I think its okay for you not to want to feel like socializing with a whole bunch of folks. I disagree, Eileen, some people clearly don't know the definition of postpartum depression.

On another note, you have to lose weight to keep your job? Isn't that discriminatory? I understand you are a guard at a prison or correctional facility, but if your weight is not affecting the way you do your job, then they actually have no right to make you lose weight. And if that is the case, I'd sue the pants off those people. Because you are a woman, and just had a baby, I bet you'd win! lol anyways, don't get upset b/c of the weight gain. If your real personal problem with it is cosmetic, please, don't feel like you need to lose weight to be beautiful. I'm so sick of society telling us we have to be thin to look good. And your husband doesn't seem like the type to leave you for gaining some weight, especially if its because of a baby(UNDERSTANDABLE). Cheer up babe, it's not all that bad. Wink
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by eileen bauer on Fri Nov 28, 2008 6:43 am

thanks guys, yeah i think i am battling the blues some. sometimes I do feel like ug at 3am when it is time to feed Daniel but who doesn't at 3am?...lol I guess I am like of everything negative i feel meaning the weight and going back to work I would like to not have to handle one more thing ya know? I don't know about everyone else but for me it is hard with the weight because I can't find clothes that look nice, I only have 1 pair of pants that fit me besides maternity pants, my old shirts don't even fit and it is frustrating and when you don't feel good about your clothes it is hard. I mean there is feeliong good about yourself and what you are wearing and how you look and then there is self esteem and it is hard for me. with my work we have to pass a physical agility test every year in order to keep our jobs and I am not sure when I will ahve to do it. My hubby is great about it he is constantly telling me I look good and cheering me up and supporting me. He wants me to be healthy and happy and he says whatever weight that is at is good for him. sorry to ramble on this topic has been in my head for a week now and it has me thinking.

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Re: Where is the line?

Post by Kim on Fri Nov 28, 2008 8:50 am

Bekah- unfortunately in our proffessions they can "discriminate" due to weight...and like Eileen said, they have the physicals and agility tests to ensure the employees are able to perform their tasks. I am fortunate, my position is a civilian position and not under the same standards as the officers.

Eileen- I am having a much harder time around this time...I don't think I even had any baby blues last time...this time everything sucks, I don't want to go back to work, I hate my body, and still am very testy with people.
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by eileen bauer on Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:52 am

that makes me feel better kim thanks, at least i am not the only one thank you. I am exctied about losing weight though. My step aerobics dvd's came in from amazon yesturday and my plan is to sleep until 2 andf then do my workout until 3 and then take the boys on a walk when hubby gets home so he can make dinner without the kiddos at his feet in teh kitchen. so hopefully that with a good diet will help me to lose weight which will make me feel better also.
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:36 am

I meant to mention, Eileen, that I too am struggling with the weight. My regular doctor is a man and he made a mean-ish comment about my "ballooning up" during the pregnancy. Well I was 315 prepreg and the last time he saw me I was 260. I have always had a weight problem. It is what I eat (fruit literally makes me sick, and believe me, I've tried) and I don't exercise very much. Well, we have gym memberships and I was swimming during the pregnancy a lot. But now, it's not like I can just go, "okay, peace out, I'm gunna go work out." although I'm sure DF wouldn't mind, I would still feel bad leaving him with the baby to go do something like that. Although I suppose if it was for my health, he wouldn't mind at all! Okay, enough rambling. My point is, I think it's pretty hard to already be overweight (me mostly) and then go and have a baby and gain all the extra pounds with that.

Also, the clothes thing may not be as bad as you'd think. I'm sure you know of lane bryant, and they are kind of expensive, believe me, I know. But their clearance stuff is usually just as cute and almost half priced. And a lot of times they have deals on cute panties too! ^_^ DF loves that stuff lol. But they have a sister store called fashion bug. It is actually I think for the younger plus sized crowd, but sometimes they have good stuff in there that I know I can fit into that is cute and cheaper than LB. Then they have a place for goth kids called torrid, but that's a whole another story lol. I think a lot of stores a catering to more plus sizes because of America and the bad bout with obesity(i hate this word) we have here. But, anyways, google plus size clothing and you will see there are tons of online places. I'm sure they give a shipping discount or something when you buy a certain amount. I am sorry it's been so rough for you, Eileen. I have been overweight for a long time and already have some stuff I can get back into from pre-preg, but I had already been nice and overweight by then. Cheer up, babe. It'll get better. ^_^
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by tweetie462 on Fri Nov 28, 2008 6:29 pm

I feel your pain, Eileen. I have struggled with my weight forever. I am able to fit into my pre-pg jeans, but I'm only a little happy about it - happy because at least they fit, but not happy because of the weight that I am. I am a stress-eater, so when things get too overwhelming or i get stressed, i eat too much and too often...which then makes me feel bad, so i eat....it's a vicious cycle and one that i want to break, but am having a hard time because i'm not in a good mental place right now. so i totally get what you're going through....i sometimes wonder if i'm sliding into post partum depression, or just going thru the baby blues....
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by eileen bauer on Sat Nov 29, 2008 12:35 am

Symptoms of PPD include:

insomnia

weepiness or sadness

diminished interest in once pleasurable activities

difficulty concentrating

change in appetite

anxiety

moodiness and irritability

withdrawal from family and friends

excessive guilt

I don't have most of these on a constant basis. It is just hard when if daniel is awake he is fussing and crying if i put him down he does it harder so it is difficult for me. I have a bad history of placing ridiculouse expectation son myself like being back to pre preg weight, having baby on perfect schedule and having everythign under control i call it my super woman complex. problem is i am not super woman and neither is nayone else. I have to remind myself i am a full time working mom who works at night, i go to school full time, i have 3 kids one being a 6 week old, another trying to potty train, and i also have a husband who needs attention and that is alot!

The fussiness part with daniel is so hard and he cat naps too so not really sleeping during the day but sleeping at night thank goodness! my other two would sit in their bouncy seat or swing this one won't have any of it periode. sometimes i just have to make sure he is fed, changed, and safe and put him in his bed and go outside for a couple minutes and get some fresh air. i talked to the doctor about his fussiness and she said he has reflux and constiaptiopn issues and gas issues and he may have colic she said but nothing to be done that i am not doing. it should get better as he gets older though.

i just get drained from the fussiness and having to spend all day holding him and hearing him fuss. sometimes i don't want to pick him up i have to get things done like laundry and so on. Starting monday i will have to sleep since i am working nights and have him during the day when he is not sleeping. that is going to be so hard but after christmas he will probably go to childcare, have to save that money for christmas gifts for this month. anyways sorry to ramble again this thread is really helping me get this all out and feel so much better. thank you all for listening and reading and your helpful htoughts adn insights. I am going to check out the clothes!thanks for the ideas!

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Re: Where is the line?

Post by Chaycethedogs on Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:16 am

Eileen - I am just shocked after reading your last post! I can say that I fit 7 of the 9 symptoms you listed! :-( I have gone back and read our November thread and it seems like most of us are experiencing many of the same issues with our new baby's and our feelings of doubt. I spend many days wondering where I went wrong! Dawson was nothing like this and he had EVERY reason to cry and fuss all of the time. The doctor tells me Brenden is healthy and crying is normal....yadda yadda. I'm beginning to think she is a freak who has not only never raised a child but never given birth...hell...she's not even married! Sometimes when I look at Brenden I see this little person who seems to be making my life so hard and then I start feeling like I am letting him down for feeling that way but when I look at Dawson I see a little boy who talks...constantly...I mean he NEVER shuts up. I start realizing the only form of communication Brenden has at this point is to cry..maybe his tummy hurts, maybe he refluxed and has outgrown his Zantac dosage, he could be hungry, he could be wet, as far as I know he could have toe jam that is driving him crazy...I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have an issue and not be able to say "hey mom, I have a hard booger in my nose that hurts". I mean at this point he can't even pick it out himself! KWIM?

To answer your question.... Where is the line?
The line is something we have to draw ourselves. Society can not do that for us. We are the mothers. When our radar goes off that we need help then we should get it. Wether it's a professional, a friend, a family member, a message board, or simply a long talk with ourselves every mother deserves to feel the way she feels without being judged, without feeling inadequate, and without being compared to the fictional Bree Hodges...no one is perfect and our baby's don't expect us to be. "I love you enough to put you down in a safe place and walk away...for just a few minutes... so that I may collect myself and return not only a calm person but a better mother knowing I am in control of this situation"

Eileen if you feel your line has been narrowed or stepped over know that you are not alone. I for one feel much of what you are feeling. Many many (((((hugs))))) are sent your way! -Michelle
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:54 am

Michelle - well said! I agree with what you've said whole heartedly. Unfortunately, I don't know what its like to have a baby that cries nonstop. We have our moments here, but not all day. And I cannot help but think how saintly the women are who are strong enough to not cry or scream back or just go nuts! There are times when I cry because joseph cries so much and I can't fix it. There are times, and I know this is probably not the best thing, that I will raise my voice above his cries and say his name. Which, weirdly enough calms him down to a degree. But, I am proud of you and the other mommies that have to listen to your baby's cries because you've done all you can do.

As for the line - You know you have crossed it when your conscience tells you that what you've done is something you know you shouldn't do. Now, that being said, it's usually when you do something to your kid that you shouldn't do to a baby or anyone really. I'm trying to word this right, but basically, we all know that the line is most definitely crossed when you hurt your baby because you are angry with them. But, I'm pretty sure you knew that. And, like me, would NEVER even consider it!. One day Joseph wouldn't stop crying and I was so tired from not getting any sleep that I was scared that if I picked him up to feed him, I would drop him. I am anemic and for me, sleep is a big issue. I called my mother to ask her to come over to help because I was just so scared I might fall asleep while feeding him or something dreadful like that. She rushed home from my grandmother's almost an hour away because she "thought I was going to hurt the baby." I was shocked that she thought I would do such a thing. Now, I was bawling when she spoke to me and quite hysterical, but my mother, the woman who knows me better than anyone I know... thinks I would hurt my baby? I was so hurt by that. That's, I think, when the people who are concerned about you have "crossed the line." To sit there and think you would go so far as to hurt your child! How crazy!
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by eileen bauer on Sat Nov 29, 2008 12:44 pm

Thanks Michelle and bekah so much. I don't think I am falling into the post pardum, but I do have some of those symptoms but I mean like Michelle said listening to your baby cry after you have done everything you can wears on you. but I so believe that people can be over concerned I mean I appreciate the concern and showing they care but I am dealing with a high needs not special needs but high amount of needs child and it just takes a lot out of me. Right now I have fed and changed and given all the medicine Daniel is supposed to have he just wants me to hold him all the time so I laid him on my bed next to the computer desk in a safe place and am typing and he is screaming as usual unless I am holding him. When I hold him he whimpers and fusses. If I cuddle with him in bed and nap with him he will stop crying but that is not going to happen every time he needs to go to sleep. So I am left to deal with the fussing and crying screaming. It does wear on me and like Michelle said "I love you enough to put you down in a safe place and go reclaim my sanity and be in control". One thing that is nice is my husband has seen how much it takes out of you this week he has been home. He used to come home and ask "did you do anything today?" and when I would say take care of the baby he would look at me funny. Now he understands better if I say it was a bad day with Daniel. Thank you thank you thank you ladies!

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Re: Where is the line?

Post by mythreesons on Sat Nov 29, 2008 3:42 pm

Eileen-I too have had a hard time with Lucas...Things are fine now but in the beginning it was really hard..He's my third child as well but I'm not trying to potty train one of them.Mine are 5 years, 4 years, and 9 weeks old...I also have a great dane who is worse than any ADHD child...There were days when by 3pm I was in tears because Luc wouldn't nap and my older two were off the wall and I knew DH wouldn't be home for another 3.5hours...By the time he walked in the door I'd be in major meltdown mode...There are still the occasional days where I go into major meltdown...It's really hard when I do everything and Lucas just cries or I'm trying to take care of him and my ODS hurts his brother and then I have utter chaos on my hands...I may be a sahm but I'm not here very long during the day...I don't work right now though I am trying to get back into school...So girl I sooo understand how you feel.My DH used to walk in and start cleaning the house after having worked all day then he'd get dinner and put the kids to bed and turn around and go to his night job...I decided that somehow I'd learn how to get everything done...Most days my house is clean(other than that darn laundry)and dinner is waiting when he gets home, but if it's not, oh well there's always tomorrow...You're doing a kick a** job of being a momma especially with 3 kids, school, a job, a house and maybe hardest of all, a DH...I know some days are tougher than others but the days that are good will hopefully start to outnumber the bad ones for you...
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:25 pm

Shannon - I only have to deal with one baby, but it seems like that takes all of my energy. He's not high needs like Eileen mentioned with daniel, but Every time I get a break with joseph, I use it for mommy time instead of cleaning and stuff because taking care of him seem to take a good deal out of me because of this anemia. I am so tired and my energy doesn't hold out for very long. But I am never like sleepy hen he's ready for sleep. So I forget to do the dishes, and the laundry and stuff. So when Cory comes home, he does all that after a day at a job he hates. I feel terrible. Sad
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by eileen bauer on Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:40 pm

Bekah- don't feel bad about him doing the dishes...lol you deserve a break. I would go nuts if i had to do everything on top of the baby and kids and stuff. Luckily (Praise God!) my husband likes to cook so he does all that. that is huge for me. I guess it sounds like a lot of is over estimated how much caring for the babies adn children woudl really take out of us. To really care takes a lot out of you. Anyone can make sure they don't hurt themselves but to be a real engaged parent takes a lot. Ofcourse somedays i am doing good to make sure everyone still has all their arms and legs attached but I want to be an engaged intentional parent like everyone does. Bekah you are doing a great job anemia is no joke you take care fo yourself girl adn take your momomy time you deserve it!

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Re: Where is the line?

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Sun Nov 30, 2008 10:19 am

Eileen - thanks. Sometimes I feel like I don't do very much. Like DF goes and works his butt off all day and I'm just lounging around at home. Well, I wonder if the anemia wasn't worse during the pregnancy. I mean, I was tired all of the time and sleeping all of the time. It would have been hell for me to work not knowing I had anemia. But you'd think my freakin OB would have looked at that. She never said anything! Don't you think that's something they look at?
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by mythreesons on Sun Nov 30, 2008 11:31 am

Bekah- It is something that they are supposed to notice...especially given all the bloodwork thet do...
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by rocknrollmommy616 on Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:40 pm

I'm just confused why they didn't say anything if it was that bad. I mean, my doctor prescribed me some iron supplements... you'd think if it weren't very bad he'd just be like, take some iron supplements from the store or something. But if my OB saw I had anemia and I wasn't taking prenatal vitamins, she'd have been more concerned about maybe REALLY getting me to take them. Like maybe the baby wasn't getting enough iron. I'm gunna go on wikipedia and look up anemia and see how often you maybe pass it on to your kids or whatnot.
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Re: Where is the line?

Post by tweetie462 on Sun Nov 30, 2008 4:29 pm

Bekah - do they have you on iron supplements? I was anemic with my last two pg and they had me taking over-the-counter iron supplements and it made a HUGE difference! And like Eileen said - yes, he's working all day but so are you! This is how he is helping to co-parent -- let him do what he can and don't feel guilty!!
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