Random thoughts :)

Tonight, I laid joseph down after his feeding and went outside to get some air. As I was sitting outside and staring at the night sky, I thought, "wow, I'm a mother." I thought about how someday he is going to be a member of society. He's going to go to school and someday get a job and decide what he wants to be. Someday soon he'll be able to make his own decisions, decide for himself what he thinks what is right and what is wrong (with some guidance from his parents of course). He may someday have a girlfriend and get married and have children of his own. Someday he will carry on our legacy and pass it down to another generation. I hope I am around to see all of that. I hope I get to meet MY grandson(or granddaughter) or even my great grandson(or great granddaughter) someday! I hope he is both like his mother and his father. I hope he is kind and gentle like his father, but strong and outspoken like his mother. I hope that he likes the same music as we do and can enjoy all different genres and appreciate them for what they are. I hope he knows how much love went into making him and how much love we put into keeping him alive every day! I hope someday he appreciates how much sleep we lost and how many diapers we had to go through LOL! I hope someday he looks at me the same way I look at my mother today and says, "thank you, mom for just being you." I hope he appreciates what it is like to have a father around all the time. Some of us did not get so lucky. I hope he loves his father for being kind enough to stick around and teach him how to be! I know it was not so easy for me to have a father within miles who still never calls you to check up on you or see how you or his grandson are doing. I hope someday he has the same epiphany as I've had this evening and cherishes life more than he ever had before. So here's to you, little joseph and all of the things that are to come. I hope it is as amazing as I think it will be.

Bekah

That's just so perfect Bekah.. I love it! I remember having similar feelings as a FTM too. It's so sureal isn't it??

It really is! It just feels like time is going to start flying by as we watch him grow. I mean, he's already a month old! I can't even believe it! It seems like just yesterday I called my mom to tell her we were pregnant!

BTW - this thread is for everyone to post their thoughts. No matter how random they may seem, you can put them right here. ^_^

I know what you mean about time flying by. I keep thinking last year at this time I was a single mother with a new job. I had just moved here month's prior. I had a terminal mother living with my daughter and I. I was sure that my life was exactly as it was going to be forever. I would have cracked up laughing at you if you had told me that by this time next year I was going to be pregnant again, engaged to the most perfect man I have ever met, unemployed, and trying to get my daughter back from that terminally ill mother. It's amazing how life is. I never thought I would have another child. I was actually afraid of having another kid. I was afraid that I could never love anyone else the way I love my daughter. I was afraid I could never trust a man enough to commit to bringing another life into this world. Mostly I was afraid ( still am a little) that I've already screwed up my DD's life and am trying to fix it, I definately don't want to do that to another child.

omg Amanda, I know what you mean about this time last year. Two years ago if you'd have told me I was going to be (almost) married and already have a baby, I would have laughed in your face! I can't believe that in may of next year my DF and I will have been together for 2 years! I also know what you mean about the perfect man. I am glad you found someone who loves you and cares about you! After what you've been through, you deserve it! I really do think you will get your little girl back once you are all settled. What does your mother have? And would that not be another reason to give you back your child?

Bekah - My mom has Copd and emphazima. By the tim ethey diagnosed her there was really nothing they could do for her. She is an oxygenator constantly and they gave her 5 yrs that was nearly 5 years ago and she just continually gets worse. That was over 4 years ago. I think it is a major reason to give my DD back. She really cannot handle her. My mother is on a fixed income from disability and cannot afford to take care of either. She calls me to help take care of her, not only for financial but for discipline and support. I am constantly afraid she is going to have an attack like she has had with me and tasia is going to be the only one there, and she cannot handle that. I have had that discussion with my mother, but she is very stubborn and says she is not that bad and she is really watching herself so there is nothing to worry about.

On a good note my DF told me a couple nights ago to start looking for a 2 bedroom apartment in Moore, OK. One that we may be able to afford very soon. We are going to go through our budget this weekend and see if we can find a way to move before Christmas!!! That would be great!! I would love to have my DD living in a home that is ours before Christmas. I definately want her with us before little Lily comes.